Back to basics

I haven't blogged in what feels like forever. I'm finding it difficult to study tonight with all the distractions from my flatmate next door, the music upstairs and the thoughts in my head. It's almost half way through the year and I have to say that yes I have had a number of "when is this going to be over" moments. But this year is different in so many ways.I think I've experienced a mind shift more than anything else. I trust my self more, I know that I am capable of doing well academically and I have an end goal in mind. When I first got here, all those things were lacking and I think those were the reasons I wasnt doing as well as I could have. I was always comparing myself to the others in my class instead of focusing on what I am capable of doing. Im not a wizz but I know now that if I try, I can certainly become one in my own right. I also realised that Im slowly discovering and gaining self confidence. I dont know where it all disappeared to but it was there once upon a time and the fact that I hadn't noticed it before,saddens me. When I would prepare for any test or exam, I would constantly think that "I cant do this" "I dont know what's going on" and I would be satisfied even if I got just above 50% for anything because I was just so use to failing everything. I think about it now and it makes me realise that not only have I wasted time and an absolutely amazing opportunity at the best varsity in the country, I have also restricted myself from being the best person that I can be and that I have been selfish towards myself in so many ways. I honestly feel like someone else, like a better version of myself. I know that Im not anywhere near the end of this journey of self discovery, infact far from it but I thought I should share this because theres only one way from here and that is up. With exams coming up in less than two weeks, I'm kinda excited and looking forward to it because I get to "show case" my knowledge and finding out what else I am capable of. I still have a number of questions to ask myself though namely, what makes me happy, where exactly do I want to be in the next 5 years, why do I only remember the bad memories of my childhood and not the good, why I want to be successful to name a few. Its funny how its taken me 3 years of living here to finally start asking these questions. I think that the reason I failed a number of my courses and adding 2 years extra to my degree, was God's way of saying that there is no rush and that I still have alot more that I have to figure out about myself before I can truly step out and be the successful woman that I want to be- that I've always wanted to be.Thats what I truly believe and I am content with that.

I wont stick around forever

I havent blogged in what seems like forever, but today I feel a sudden need to put my thoughts and feelings somewhere and so a piece of paper just wont do. I wake up some mornings and Im overwhelmed by the never ending thoughts in my head: what if this happens, what if that doesnt happen or sometimes it will be a really random song that I havent heard in ages. But some days like today, I'll feel really down and I have a slight idea why. Perhaps it has to do with some of my relationships, the fact that I give so much and yet I feel like Im never heard or appreciated. The fact that Im more than willing to help but it gets abused by people who take take take and wont get off their high horses. I deserve more than that, I deserve to be treated with respect, a "how are you really doing", I deserve a thank you, I deserve to be heard, I deserve a "you did great", I deserve a "you tried as best as you could"  and even an "I love you" every now and then. Maybe caring too much has its disadvantages, Im slowly discovering that now.

 I feel sorry for you when I just stop caring.

ReaSoNS To COntinUe LovING SuMMeR!

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